The Cynical Side - You've Got to be Kidding!

George of the Porcelain Jungle

2008-09-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

Oh, George ... where will it end? Once again George Michael has been arrested for using a public men’s restroom as his personal den of iniquities. To be fair however, his pants were not around his ankles at the time of arrest.

Evidently our beloved 80’s sexpot found himself in handcuffs yet again after North London police reportedly caught him with marijuana and crack in a public men's bathroom with a reputation as a gay tryst meeting place. Quoting my husband, “He has enough money to build his own fake bathroom, and stock it with whatever men (and drugs apparently) he wants.”

Michael, 45 (can you fucking believe it?), was cautioned by police following the arrest. This marks the fourth drug-related arrest in three years for the 'Faith' and 'Father Figure' singer.

I thought he was doing so well – making a comeback even! He appeared recently on American Idol’s Season Finale, performing with the likes of Seal, Graham Nash, Carrie Underwood and ZZ Top. He also did a few cameos on a now defunct CBS drama. And look how hot he is from the “Faith” album! Apparently, the last 6 months have not been good to George.

All I have to say is find a new office dude. The gig is way up.

condiment request turns ugly

2008-07-30T12:35:00.001-07:00

Remember that ridiculous commercial with the 2 geezers in Bentley’s, and one pulls up to the other and asks “Would you have any Grey Poupon?” It was hilarious in its stupidity. And of course we all made fun of it until it turned from way funny to way annoying.

Apparently Stephen Cox (hehe) of Sandy, UT didn’t get that particular memo. On June 18th in Murray UT (also the home of has-been David Archuleta), a motorist, who, after getting the driver next to him to roll down his window, asked "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
Upon hearing the request for said condiment, the 22-year-old driver, Vitaly Kovtun, pulled a handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car. He then added "Here's your Grey Poupon - roll your fucking windows up!"

Nothing says “Shut your God-damn pie hole idiot” like a gun in the face. Police later found the man, who admitted his long-time hatred of Dijon mustard. He was booked for aggravated assault, but received high praise for scaring the shit out of a couple assholes.

Dark Knight inspires dark tragedy

2008-07-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

Mondays are a generally slow night in the peaceful hamlet of Three Rivers, MI.
Last Monday however, that peace was woefully shattered by a grisly wake-up call from infamous villain, “The Joker”. The town will never be the same.

Apparently, 20-year old Spencer Taylor thought last Monday would be the perfect opportunity to break out his new “Joker” costume, and wreak havoc on the local movie theater. In his green wig, fancy purple suit, and his face painted as his favorite comic book character (aaawwwww), Mr. Taylor tried to steal movie posters and generally “bust up the place”.

Sadly for Taylor, the 16 year-old girl at the ticket counter felt enough was enough, and restrained him until police arrived. “He kicked and screamed and cried”, said Candy Dofino, “I really felt sorry for the little guy.”

That last part I made up, but I think it’s a funny visual.

Anyhoo, Mr. Taylor has been booked for investigation of larceny and malicious destruction of property. Sorry kid, maybe next time. They may take your freedom, but they can never take your dreams.

The Pringle - neither a potato nor a chip.

2008-07-08T10:06:00.001-07:00

Boy do I feel stupid. According to a British judge, Pringles are not in fact potato chips. Apparently, they are something “else”, which as of yet remains undefined. Here is an excerpt of the news article which shattered my long held beliefs about Pringles:

“Pringles don't fulfill the legal definition of "potato crisp," allowing them to be sold tax-free in Britain. Under law, most food is exempt from the 17.5% sales tax. The national tax office claimed that Pringles were covered by an exception for products such as potato chips, sticks or puffs.

Procter & Gamble maintains that the snack isn't a chip because it is cooked from baked dough, not potato slices. Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," said P&G's lawyer. "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." The judge agreed. "Pringles aren't "made from the potato" for the purposes of the tax exemption," he said. He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.

So as it turns out, Pringles aren’t made from potatoes – they’re made from baked dough. I feel completely bamboozled. I do however feel much more informed after reading the definition of a potato chip vs. a Pringle - Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," and "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." Indeed. There are many other things that give a sharp crunchy sensation under the tooth, not all of them good.

And then this – “He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.” Excuse me? You don’t know what they are? Unfortunately, this revelation has forced me to rethink the Pringle as one of my favorite snacks, due to its increasingly shady provenance in the junk food community.

solving the mystery that is "The Twinkie"

2008-06-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

This week’s pick for “Asinine Website of the Week” is certainly asinine, but hilarious as well. The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project (Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations), ”is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995, at Rice University. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie.” Obviously, my interest was piqued.

This website has all the answers to the eternal questions that have haunted Twinkie lovers through the years. Questions such as “what is the maximum density of a Twinkie?” or “what are the rapid oxidation qualities of a Twinkie?”, or the ever-present “what would happen if I dropped a Twinkie from the 6th floor of Lovett College?”.

I was especially impressed with the clinical testing environment in which these trials were held, as well as the proposed applications for each result.

On a darker note, this website also speaks to the dangers of scientists with too much time on their hands. While this “seemingly benign” experimentation on Twinkies seems all well and good, where do we draw the line? Ho-Hos, Moon Pies, Snowballs? Could Grandma’s Apple Pie eventually be subject to the same kind of scrutiny as the unfortunate Twinkie? What type of horrors will be devised for this piece of Americana? I shudder to think of the ramifications.

Anyway, the site is fucking hilarious.

Watch your back DaVinci!

2008-06-24T13:42:00.001-07:00

So here it is, the Asinine Website of the Week.

The website, Chindogu, refers to the art of the "unuseless idea." As described by Kenji Kawakami, author of “101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions: The Art of Chindogu”, Chindogu features devices designed to solve all the nagging problems of domestic life.

Chindogu devices are the answer for life’s little conundrums such as, “how can I make my toilet seat feel like real grass?”, or “how can I wear a roll of toilet paper on my head so I don’t run out?”, or the ever-present “I wish I had a fake appendage to practice hand-holding with my new girlfriend – my palms are so sweaty when I’m nervous!”

This is some of the most bizarre crap I’ve ever come across. There are chew counters to keep track of your chewing endurance, a solar powered lighter that includes a magnifying glass, and a noodle eaters hair guard that when worn, makes you appear to be an extra on the set of Jurassic Park. I can’t seem to pick a favorite – it’s a toss up between the 360o Daddy Nurser, or the Outdoor Loo Seat to put me back in touch with nature.

There is a much bigger collection of these gems that can be found at The Chindogu Files. Prepared to be shocked and awed.

imagine my surprise!

2008-06-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

I got an email today from Mr. Walter Casper, who is apparently a Director at Worldbank Delegates in West Africa – Nigeria to be specific. Apparently, I have an overdue inheritance of $4.5MM just waiting to be sent to me. Evidently Janet White came into his office a few days ago claiming to be my representative.

Out of obvious concern that I am being duped by the suspicious Ms. White, Mr. Casper would like me to send him my bank information so he can confirm my identity. Otherwise he says, “We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. White, if we do not hear from you within the next seven working days from today.” Well, geez, I better get right on that.

Who the hell is falling for this?! I’m assuming they must be out there, because this crap keeps coming. I though the threat of being duped by a third party was a nice touch. That and the obvious concern for my welfare. I had no idea there were so many helpful and selfless people in Nigeria!

how to find love if you're ugly

2008-06-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new series, "Asinine Blog of the Week". It occurred to me how many blogs people are writing these days, and I figured there's got to be some pretty good material out there.

As most of you know, I work in the online dating industry. I came across an online dating site that I think would be perfect for those unfortunate souls who have a harder time than most getting a date. Say for example, those with with extra limbs, unusual facial growths, eyepatches, and unfortunate birth defects. InmateConnection.com is a lovely personals site to meet inmates looking for love. Including men and women, this seems like the perfect place to meet that special someone.

Take for example Michael Marple, whose interests include country music, reading, crossword puzzles, murder, working out, running, classic cars, good conversation and making new friends. He's looking for someone who can be open minded, honest, sincere and are not interested in playing head games. Now I ask you ladies, does it really get any better than that?

Tatum O'Neil "rescued"

2008-06-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

Oh Tatum. You can’t take here anywhere! Because apparently she is drawn to homeless drug dealers who want to sell her coke.

What kills me is the ridiculous crap she was spewing trying to squirm her way out of it. First she tried telling the cops who she was, in an effort to use her lackluster star power to get a break. Then she says she was researching a role. Right.

Then she says the death of her dog prompted her to go out looking for drugs. Is that the best she’s got?

Then she goes on “The Early Show” and says that the police officers who arrested her for drug possession actually “rescued” her. What does that mean? She was saved from buying over-cut blow? According to her however, without the cops, she may gone further down the spiral. I think that ship has sailed.

The local bartender was quoted as saying "It doesn't seem like something you would do if you did not want to get caught. Why would she go on the street to score like that?" Well, at least she’s got the local bartender vouching for her. That should go a long way in court.

What you talkin 'bout judge?

2008-05-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

Much to my dismay, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price are getting divorced. I know, I know, I'm sure you all have been following this unfolding saga with baited breath, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The couple's shredded nuptials will be brought before Judge Lynn Toler on Fox's "Divorce Court". At least they are using the best of what America's legal system has to offer.

I can't think of anything more ridiculous. It's over Gary. No one cares. Yah, sure you were cute in the late 70's with the ever-endearing "what you talkin 'bout Wills", but those days are gone. This shameless attempt to get some kind of media attention is downright pitiful - one might even call it depressing. But on to the dirt.

Here's a quote from his soon-to-be ex-wife, Shannon Price: "If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does," Price says, according to a transcript of the show obtained by The Associated Press. "He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." There are also allegations that he physically abused her - I find this baffling. I mean, look at this picture - it seems like one good kick would do the job.

So another fairy tale romance has come to an unseemly end. Word to the wise - If you're thinking to yourselves "oooh, he's back on the market", watch your ankles girls!